


So Let Me Say Before We Part

by onekisstotakewithme



Series: Bug Out [1]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Hawkeye Pierce, Bisexual Male Character, Episode: s05e01 Bug Out, Goodbyes, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 20:21:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14552775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/pseuds/onekisstotakewithme
Summary: They’re bugging out.And they have to leave Hawkeye behind.Or more accurately, Hawkeye is refusing to leave. He can’t, and he won’t, and he has to stay and look after their patient. He’s stubborn and an idiot, and worst of all, he’s right. It doesn’t make it easier.Beej hates goodbyes, especially when there's a chance that they could be permanent. Tag to Bug Out





	So Let Me Say Before We Part

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flootzavut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/gifts).



> ♥ thank you lovely, for everything x

BJ occasionally forgets that this is what he signed up for.

They have been in the same spot, with the same dust and blood and lousy food and a steady parade of wounded ever since the day BJ arrived, several eternities ago. This isn’t home, home is thousands of miles away, and yet somehow, he’s gotten attached to this particular patch of dirt (or at least the people that came with it). They’ve gotten as close to comfortable as possible here in their little corner of hell. And the enemy, along with the army, hates to see any man comfortable, so now they have to leave.

 _M_ , as Frank likes to remind everyone, stands for _mobile._ BJ has known that all along, but it’s easy to get complacent.

They’re bugging out.

And they have to leave Hawkeye behind.

Or more accurately, Hawkeye is refusing to leave. He can’t, and he won’t, and he has to stay and look after their patient. He’s stubborn and an idiot, and worst of all, he’s right. It doesn’t make it easier. 

And BJ tries to offer to stay, tries to tell Hawk that he’s not leaving without him, but Hawk gives him a look, and tells him, “Get out of here.”

“But Hawk-,”

“If you’re trying to play the part of the sacrificial lamb on my behalf, Beej, don’t.”

“Hawk, I don’t want to leave-,” he starts. _I don’t want to leave you_. Logically, he knows that he won’t be helping at all by staying, and that he has a wife and a daughter at home that he needs to get back to someday. But right now, that someday is an abstract concept, whereas leaving Hawk is a little more urgent (and he’s not exactly convinced that Hawk really wants him gone).

“C’mon Beej. With all the shelling going on, there’ll be wounded coming in, and plenty of them. Standing room only. And much as I prefer your company, I can live without you.” He’s staring up at BJ from his chair, exhausted and on edge as the enemy in the distance serenades them with the greatest hits of war. “But I’m not sure those wounded kids can. Go on. Get out of here.”

Margaret looks between them from her position in the doorway, and turns her back, giving them a bit of privacy (as if there is such a thing on a military outpost in the middle of a war), and BJ feels a rush of gratitude.

BJ can’t help but reach out, aching to touch Hawkeye, to ground a man who is already half ghost, in a war where everyone has one foot in the grave. His hand lands on Hawk’s shoulder, and he can't help but hold on tight (the way he always has). Hawk fixes him with a stern look, and then his lips twitch into something resembling a smile.

“Beej,” Hawk says again. “ _Go_. You’re not doing me any favors by staying here and getting killed. I’d never forgive you. Or myself for that matter. Now go. It’ll be murder getting a cab at this time of day.”

“And what about you?” BJ asks, ignoring the joke.

“What about me?” Hawk asks in return. “I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” BJ asks again, and he knows that the answer hasn’t changed. He doesn’t want to leave Hawkeye. Because Hawkeye is his best friend. Because Hawkeye is the only one who calls him _Beej_ (and no one else makes it sound right the way he does). Because he doesn’t want to leave the one person who makes this place bearable. Because leaving Hawkeye in what will soon be enemy territory feels like someone has fired him out of a Howitzer.

Hawkeye can live without him (so he says), but BJ isn’t sure at this point that he can survive the war without Hawkeye.

“I’m sure,” Hawkeye tells him, and then takes BJ’s hand off his shoulder, squeezing it once, twice, before letting go. “You better get going, Beej.”

BJ is a worrier by nature, and every nerve in him is alight with worry that this is the last time he and Hawk will see each other, the last time Hawk will ever smile at him. How does he thank him for everything? And what if all the things BJ wants to say go unsaid, echoing forever in the silence left by the loudest man in camp?

He doesn’t voice his worries, because he knows that Hawkeye is right. Hawk’s blue eyes are fixed on BJ’s face, and Hawk smiles up at him, nodding. “I’ll be okay,” he says again, as if BJ will actually believe him this time. “Beej, whatever it is you’re going to say, it can wait.”

“You’re right,” BJ says. _You’re wrong,_ he thinks, because around here, nothing can wait. “I’ll just tell you the next time I see you.”

Judging by the noise, the enemy is getting closer, and Hawk’s brow furrows as he stares out the door. “Better hurry,” he says. “Or there won’t be a next time. Get out of here, Beej. You've got too many people depending on you to waste your energy worrying about me. I’ll be okay. I promise.”

BJ feels the all-consuming ache in his throat, and he wants to tell Hawkeye that he’s a brave man, though he knows that Hawk would deny it (he’d say that they’re doctors, this is what they’re _here_ for). BJ wants to tell him a thousand other things (and most of them start with _I love you_ ). The words get stuck somewhere in no man’s land, dying before they reach his lips, just another casualty of war.

On impulse, BJ grabs Hawk by the shoulders, leans down and kisses him on the cheek. It’s only for a few seconds, Hawk’s stubble rough against his lips, but when he pulls away, he could swear that there are tears in Hawk’s eyes. There are definitely butterflies in BJ’s stomach.

“Take care of yourself, Hawk,” he tells him, his voice wavering.

“You too, Beej.” Hawk is remarkably in control, and he grins up at his best friend like it’s any other day.

And as BJ walks away, rubbing a hand over his face, he hopes that they will see each other again, that there _will_ be a next time. Because at this point, losing Hawk would be like losing one of his hands. He could function without it.

He just isn’t sure _how_.

**Author's Note:**

> the title comes from the song "For Good" from the musical "Wicked" ♥ which to me is _such_ a Hunnihawk song.  
>  There may be more to this verse, but we shall see, and then we'll know (to quote my favourite man of psychology, Sidney Freedman)


End file.
